british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot