british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”