Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

I never needed anything more in my life

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Uh oh…

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Quadruple digit IQ

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake