british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.