british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?