British people be like I’m Bri ish
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Succinctly put.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”