British people be like I’m Bri ish
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Ron is short for Aaronald
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Cardio Made Easy
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Brb my Sims are getting married
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
And now we wait
