British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.