British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
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Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.