British people be like “it’s chewsday innit “
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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.