British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.