British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.