British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.