British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn