British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
she has a point
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn鈥檛 planned this. He didn鈥檛 have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there鈥檚 that.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I鈥檝e never met messaged me to inform me he鈥檚 allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
i think both sides are to blame here
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Social Media and Real life
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*first date*
Her: I鈥檓 a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there鈥檚 a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn鈥檛 show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too