British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Might start laying my own eggs
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
the Monday after daylight savings
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
😭😭😭
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.