BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
that colleague who touches your screen
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
