Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.