British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
You Might Also Like
you stereotypes are all alike
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
yeah no that’s fair
