British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
How times have changed.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless