British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead