British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.