British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
is this store having a stroke wtf
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.