British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Science memes
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Google Pay be like:
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.