British people
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife