Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”