Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”