Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.