Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points