I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.