Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I will never stop laughing at this

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

every single time

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons