british sex workers really pound for pound
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Fights fire with marshmallows
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY