Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.