Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

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