british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Can Happiness buy money?
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.