british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
5 ways to appear taller
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse