british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything