british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
me: my friends:
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Happens to everyone.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam