british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave