british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
much to think about
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”