british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
You Might Also Like
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Good morning ☺️
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?