Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

May have had one breakfast too many