Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Meow

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

This is the coolest video you will see today.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.