British websites use biscuits.
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Perfect.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*