British websites use biscuits.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
the red hot silly peppers
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.