British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”