“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.