Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Free him

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime