“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
LOL!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway