“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me opening up to someone
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.