Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

certified hallow’s eve classic

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Writing, She Murdered.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]