*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.