Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Take care of yourself, ladies

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Encore…

Tuesday

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]