Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Bringing home a sharpie

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

The answer is funnier than the question

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.