Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction