britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
pain
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
🌲😼
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
