Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

where the womens at?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

oh good, now I can stop drinking

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.