Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

This is so wrong 😂

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers