Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.