Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

i will not be silenced

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.