“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea