WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”