Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”