Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*