“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[montage of me giving-up]
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.