Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

the dark web is just a goth google.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Called it

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment