Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain