Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

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“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”


You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts


cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here


My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome


I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho


At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?


-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”


What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.