@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

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@Sickayduh

“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
Doug.
“Duck?”
DouGGG
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”

@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@decentbirthday

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome

@MauriceBlitz

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@ABurgerADay

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

@BrettDruck

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.