Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say