Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*